I Cannot Write To Save My Life

“I’m just saying, Serena…a good story needs a beginning, a middle and an end. It needs a climax, to which all the other scenes build up to. Yours just doesn’t have that.” Dan Humphrey was well aware that as someone who called himself a writer, he should be using writer-esque terminology when explaining things like this, but then again, he was talking to Serena van der Woodsen.

“Humphrey’s right, S,” Blair said, as soothingly as she could manage. “A good story needs those elements. They’re…necessary.”

“So what the both of you are saying is that my story sucks,” Serena said flatly. She tried to sit up, and found herself trapped under the sheets.

“We’re not saying that at all,” Blair said, with a warning glance at Dan, who, it must be pointed out, was about to tell the blonde that yes, her story sucked, but in a more diplomatic way. “We’re just saying that it could use some work.”

“Some work?”

“Yes. Like…like a…a…” Blair looked appealingly at Dan, who shrugged and said the first thing that came to his mind.

“Like a sequel,” he said.

“A sequel?” Serena asked skeptically. “I thought it was pretty good as it is!”

“It was,” said Blair quickly. “What Dan and I are saying is that it lacks…something…” She trailed off into silence at the blonde’s stony look.

“Fine,” Serena said shortly. “If you think it needs a sequel, then you guys can write the sequel.” She finally managed to extricate herself from the sheets, and began to walk away from the bed.

“S…come back!” Blair said sharply. “This is unacceptable! We were supposed to have sex!” Nostrils flared in a way that Dan Humphrey found absolutely appealing. “I refuse to meet Chuck without having all prior amorous desires firmly extinguished!”

The blonde paused and leaned against the doorframe. “I’m not putting out until you guys have a sequel written, or admit that my story doesn’t need a sequel!” The challenge written all over her face was very…challenging. “And don’t you two dare do anything without me either!” she called out from somewhere outside.

“She’s serious,” Dan observed mildly after Serena had stormed away, leaving a certain brunette fuming in bed. “We might as well admit that we were wrong and that her story is perfect as it is.”

“Not on your life, Humphrey,” Blair said firmly. “If Serena can write a half baked story on her own, we can certainly come up with something better. Together,” she said meaningfully, and Dan groaned and leaned back in his pillow. He wondered when this had turned into round one hundred of the still ongoing battle between Waldorf and van der Woodsen, and when he had been drafted into the Waldorf forces.

“Move it, Humphrey,” Blair declared dramatically. “To the writing table!”

Chuck Bass would never get himself into this position, Dan thought miserably, and then smirked as he perked up. But then again, he’ll never get a threesome with Serena and Blair either.